04.26.07

Pune’s bid to reduce the India population – PotHoles

Posted in Humour at 6:22 am by The Editor

There are different ways to reduce the population: birth control, celibacy, abstinence, gay relationships, castration. Pune has developed it’s own novel way to reduce life expectancy and thus the population. It’s called potholes.

Potholes were an unknown population reducer until the Pune experiment started. Potholes help reduce the population in different ways.

One, they ensure that by the time you reach your destination every joint, bone, movable/immovable part of your anatomy has been jerked, jarred, convoluted and repositioned.
Two, regular pothole-riding ensures that the body parts are subject to immense stress and give up early. One and two combined, reduces the lifespan of a person and helps maintain the population at a certain officially accepted percentage.
Three, this also reduces your interest in other activities, especially activities of that kind : ). Libido is hit. People on bikes and cycles are constantly hit on ‘those parts’ every time they encounter a pothole. Most Puneites now travel with a ‘guard’ and were pleasantly surprised when the global cricketing fraternity adopted this device to protect the private parts of cricketers. (Now you know how ‘guards’ came into being)
Four, presence of potholes also ensures that you are concentrating too hard to miss them on the street and this gives every chance to that PMT(Pune Municipal Tranport) bus headed in your direction, to get you.

(At this point, please pretend to work, since your boss might be looking in your direction. Adopt a serious expression, look like you’re trying really hard to solve some problem and now read ahead)

The PMC (Pune Municipal Corporation pronounced Carporayshun) was the first non-health, non-research, non-scientific and non-working organization that embarked on this extremely socially relevant programme. They realized a long time ago, that population explosion will be the scourge that would hit progress. They ensured that corrupt contractors were regularly paid under the table(this is the only reason why the PMC has tables) to ensure that pathetic road standards were maintained, and that the population was not allowed to increase.

Also extremely poor hygiene standards in PMT buses ensured that few people traveled in them(to escape the latest contagious disease) and took on to the streets in their own vehicles and provided adequate target practice for PMT drivers. Interstate truck drivers too joined this sport once the highways and expressways opened. (The PMC’s petition to give this sport Olympic status was struck down in 1982, primarily because the next competing city was 1/100^th the size of Pune in terms on Pothole population.) This method was later adopted by the underworld as an effective means to eliminate their rivals. Bollywood captured this on celluloid, soon after. (there .. more history for the young readers)

PMC has 3 patents pending and also filed a couple more in this field once the Bombay-Pune expressway opened. The PMC director is now working on a book ‘The Art of Road Building around Potholes’, based wholly sorry hole’ly on PMC’s ability to build roads around potholes, leaving the potholes themselves untouched and intact. This is recommended reading for all Civil engineers.

Puneites immune to the benefits of potholes, tried to battle what they believed was a menace, in different ways.

They decided to pad their behind so that it acted as an effective shock absorber. Some Puneites decided to do this the natural way and increased their body bulk (read grew fat), so that they had greater insulation on the rear. This did make them unhealthy and reduced their lifespan, but that’s an extremely small price to pay for living in ‘aamchi Pune’.

Potholes helped the economy since all motor vehicles wore out quickly due to the jarring, constant braking and clutching. This resulted in more car and two wheeler companies opening shop in Pune, more than any other city in India(Telco, Bajaj Tempo, Bajaj Auto, Kinetic Motors, Kirloskar-Toyota, Mercedes Benz etc). Spare parts shops also grew. Mechanics were happy, more jobs were generated and the economy grew and prospered. This was the other positive side effect of potholes.

Hospitals too got more accident victims and doctors, nurses, hospital management and pharma companies finally got a share in the action.

The PWD(Public Water Dept) also wanted to contribute to this noble cause and every time a new road was built, they ensured that their elite taskforce would within 30 days of a ‘newly worked on road’, jump in and dig and dig and ensure that Pune’s potholed status was unchallenged.

Pune Telecom was next. They too undertook such tasks on a war initiative. They were so busy digging up roads that the customers had to wait for years, in line to get a phone connection. (Now you know the cause for the delay)

The advent of the internet meant that they could dig more, this time for the optical fibre cables. Wireless is something that has really scared the Pune Telecom Dept.

Pune is now India’s and the world’s No1 city regarding largest number of potholes. The Guinness Book has been requested to consider this record.

The Pune tourism dept believe that this will be a major global tourist attraction. They are planning to have a AaramPune(oxymoron) Darshan bus ride that will take tourists to Pune’s top 21 potholes. This will cover the deepest, longest, biggest, smallest and widest potholes, amongst others(dirtiest, smelliest, etc ) . They are also planning to have PMT buses with seatbelts and a ‘rollercoaster’ sort of ride at 60kmph through Pune’s most potholed road. LIC is looking into the insurance aspect here.

Potholes also help in rain water harvesting due to their water storage capability. Some of them are so huge that the Corporation is considering building a bridge over them. Some residential areas have also converted potholes into swimming pools, and those roads are closed in the rainy season so that citizens can use them for this purpose.

Researchers believe that the Pashan lake and Khadakvasla dam were potholes initially that grew really big. (Editor: yeh kuch jyaada hee hua )

The PuneMotoCross was originally supposed to be held on Pune roads, but the riders were not sure that they were of that high a caliber to take on such terrain. The venue was changed to a much milder Nehru Stadium. There’s another reason why very few foreigners participate in it. They know the home team has a strong advantage, given their daily on road training. And very few Puneites watch it, since they don’t know what the big deal is all about. Roj ka to mara maari hai !!

UFO’s have historically been sighted in and around Pune. The potholes in Pune remind aliens of the crater ridden landscape of their home planets. This is also the reason why Pune has the largest UFO sighting in Asia.

Potholes also serve as landmarks for giving directions. ‘Woh dukan dus pothole chhodke hai. Hahn woh joh dikhraha hai .. haan wahin, jahan woh aadmi gir raha hai .. dekho dekho haan ussi pothole ke saamne.’

Citizens have sometimes protested against the potholes unknowing of their multiple benefits to the city. The PPHCS(Pune PotHole Conservation Society) is working hard for spreading the knowledge on potholes and their importance to society, and thus changing peoples attitudes.

This article should have sufficiently enlightened society on this amazing Pune invention-the pothole.

(What are you waiting for? Go dig a hole in the road right next to you.
Also we would be interested to know where your favorite pothole is located. Write back.)

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